Cancer. Fuck.

Today I got all of my results and the beginnings of a plan. Stage 1 or 2 adenocarcinoma confirmed. No definitive evidence of spreading or lymph node invasion, although I suppose MRI needed to confirm that. I have to have radiation first, have to make an appointment for MRI, appointment with oncologist, appointment with radiologist. Tests and appointments and tests and appointments.

I have cancer, for real. Jesus christ.

I'm nervous about MRI because you have to lay still for 30-60 minutes. That's a lot. I asked the doctor for Ativan. That should help. I remember taking it when I went in for laparoscopy for cyst and fibroid and feeling very happy. So I'll get through that.

Radiation doesn't sound that bad. I guess that goes on for a while and then we see if this damn monster shrinks. We want it to shrink and shrink and shrink. The more it shrinks he easier everything else is. So that is the goal.

Then we probably have more tests to see how that all went, and then surgery. Surgery involves removing the whole bit of the rectum where this thing is and rebuilding it. It also involves an Ileostomy. That's a goddamn bag. Just wow. Then possibly chemo. If there is chemo, I have to have the bag through the whole chemo, because of the side effects. Which apparently don't involve hair loss. I'm sure there are some other horrific side effects.

There is some hope that the radiation will just shrink it so much that some of this stuff may not be necessary? I don't know.

Right now all I can do is one day at a time. Live for the day, enjoy the day. Act as normal as possible for the littles, and for myself too. Try to be strong, healthy. DO be strong and healthy. I can do this, I know. The outpouring of support and love is amazing. I will take all of it. I WILL be strong. I WILL get through this and be ok and thank my lucky stars that it isn't worse and I can be around for my babies. It's going to be a YEAR of treatment and process. That seems overwhelming, incredible. But by my next birthday I will be healthy.

BY MY NEXT BIRTHDAY I WILL BE HEALTHY.

Once Upon a Time in Lala Land

Do you ever think, you worry about the stupidest shit? Years of anxiety over dates, parties, work, nonsense. Too much thinking about what-ifs and what-thens.

Real worry didn't start until I had kids but ironically I've been able to power through most of it. Is that headache just a headache? Does he cry too much? Will he learn to ride a bike? Will he be tough? Will they be ok?

Several months ago, I started having bleeding when I went to the bathroom. Looking back at that sentence I want to poke myself in the eye over how long it took to get to the doctor. I still ended up where I am now; it could have been quicker and maybe easier. But this is not the time to beat myself up. I can only say that I hope I can carry the lesson from that procrastination on to other experiences. You can't run away from things. They will catch you with their gnarly little hands. The fear monster only grows if you let it feed and fester.

Fast forward to last Friday, finally at the doctor. Side note, I guess people really did not like the word PROCTOLOGIST because they are called Colo-Rectal Surgeons now. The title change did not make me feel better. When my doctor referred me to the COLO-RECTAL SURGEON my stomach dropped right then and there. I was praying for hemorrhoids to be causing the bleeding and discomfort- imagine praying for hemorrhoids. The exam entails kneeling on a special exam table and laying with your stomach on the table if you can picture it. Sort of like laying down while kneeling on that pew thing in catholic church. "Pull down your pants and kneel here". Then they tilt the table forward so your butt is in the air. Fun times. There is then a brief period of poking prodding shoving a tube in and further prodding that probably took a minute or two but felt like oh so much longer and damn it HURT. Now I know why it hurt, so it's probably not so typical that it's that bad. Once that is done, off to the office to talk. Cut to the chase--- hemorrhoids are not my problem. He felt a mass in my rectum. There were a lot of words and instructions to follow, which culminated in scheduling a colonoscopy on Monday and a CT scan on Thursday "if needed". I walked out holding a colonoscopy kit and referrals and instructions and just flat out in SHOCK that this was happening because it was exactly my worst fear. Why? Because deep down I knew what this was.

Let's discuss colonoscopy for a moment. I was DEATHLY afraid of it. I mean so scared. That's probably the main reason I put off going to the doctor for so long. I thought all roads would lead to colonoscopy and I didn't want it, no ma'am. Well I'm here to tell you that was just stupid. The worst part of the whole thing, other than just anticipation and just not knowing what to expect, was the drink. It was very hard for me to get down because I can't stand artificial sweetener and it's just a 16oz giant mess of sickly sweet. But hey, really--- in the whole scheme of things? Meh. The actual pooping was really nothing. Just watery stuff coming out, no pain, little muss or fuss. Off to the actual procedure. They put in an IV, you go to sleep, you wake up. I had the best anesthesiologist in the whole world and felt like a million bucks when I woke up. I have had minor procedures before and have woken up groggy and nauseous every time, but not this time. Versed and Propofol- magic. Out comes the doctor with nasty pictures of what has been growing at the top of my rectum. Angry red blobs, "friable", "ulcerated". I swear I can't remember if he used the word CANCER but I think he did, and my mother seems to remember it too although both of our attention turned to the fact that she was about to faint. CANCER is not written on the report. He has 30 plus years of experience with this sort of thing, so I believe he knows what he sees, even though biopsy results were just taken during that procedure. A friend said today that "he is not God and only the biopsy results will tell." Anyway, the moral to this story is, there is no reason at all to avoid having a colonoscopy. You will survive the drink and the rest really is pretty easy considering. Also there are pills you can take instead of the drink (I am not a candidate for those due to another medication).

Next on the agenda, today I had CT scan scheduled. Clearly "if needed" came back as "hell yes needed.". Again I tried not to think too much about it until it was time to do it, but I worried myself over IV contrasts and drinking a ton of more yucky oral contrast and blah blah. The oral contrast made me feel a little off but tasted like water (a great BIG cup of it, more than 16 oz). The IV was pretty ok. I felt kind of tingly and heavy after. Maybe shouldn't have driven home in retrospect. The CT itself took all of 5 minutes from laying down to standing up. The people were very nice too.

So here I am. One exam (gross and ouchy), two tests (not remotely as bad as expected) later. Now I wait for it all to culminate in my doctor's appointment on Monday. Charlie will go with me and we will hear the results of everything and what the next steps are. In the meantime, it's nice outside, and I'm able to work from home, and it's my birthday in two days. I don't have to hear any news about anything for just under four days. I am trying to be open about this, tell people what's going on if they ask me how I'm doing, stay positive, stay present. This is really fucked up, no lie. But I really have no choice what with two little kids looking at me all the time, to power through all of it and get to the end.

There was a calling to me to write about this and share it. I don't know with who all yet but here it is and it's out of me and it feels good. The plan is that this thing will get out of me as well, and I will go on with my life and take care of my babies. That's all. May the universe protect me and guide me, and all of you too.

Nap and Potty Fail

Still no success with the crib. I think we hit a low point on the last attempt. We let him cry for 2.5 hours this past weekend. One of us stayed in the room the whole time, talking to him, patting him. Nothing worked. At this point I have thrown up my hands and called a professional sleep consultant. I KNOW in theory what I am supposed to do and in fact did it quite well with #1 son, who to this day is a great sleeper and loves his crib. The professional will analyze what we have been doing and together we will come up with a plan and we will stick to it. I just need someone who knows what the hell they are doing to tell me what I am putting in place is ok. It will definitely be challenging for everyone at first because I am so lazy about just letting him sleep on me whenever wherever. But I'm not willing to sit around and do nothing while I am home with him. There are a million projects, improvements, plans that I have. I also want quality time with the big boy alone while the little one takes his morning nap. Right now I am stuck inside while he plays outside with daddy. So this is all for the best. Boy, it's hard to be a parent! The other big project over winter break was supposed to be teaching big boy to use the potty. He will go to the bathroom once a day on most days at school. At home he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Physically he is ready but emotionally, he is not ready. Period, end of story. We have tried candy, toys, stickers, cookies, showing him how we pee, everything you are supposed to do and think of. Yesterday he happened to be naked after bath and seemed like he needed to pee so we put him on the toilet and he was just. so. miserable. Not crying like a tantrum but really crying in misery. So that's it. He may be almost 3, but he's not ready, and I'm not willing to hide his diapers and force him to use the toilet or potty at this point. I will keep asking and encouraging but he is going to have to be ok with trying. It's hard to walk the line between what is good for them and what is going to traumatize them! Goodness!

Now that I have officially* become a SAHM, my first real challenge, ironically enough, is to sleep/ crib train this baby. He is almost 8.5 months old. Previous attempts have been hit or miss or not accomplished by me. The nanny he was with for two months let him cry it out, the babysitter he had for a few weeks started training him to sleep in his own bed but she didn't watch him daily. My attempts worked once or twice but I always seem to find an excuse not to do it or I gave up if he cried a lot. At this point, with two week vacation for S. having begun, we have really come to the point where it's either cry, or all of us suffer. I can't be alone with the both of them and have one be asleep in my arms for hours. The truth is, listening to him cry is very painful for me, when I know that I can easily relieve it, but as evidenced by the fact that after crying for 23 minutes, he has been peacefully asleep in his own bed for almost two hours, it's best for all of us. My goal right now is one nap per day in the crib, and I will continue to extend it until he is sleeping in there all the time. Night time will be hardest of course, but I am not going to think about that. When I have him napping easily in there, at the very least I will have more confidence going into night time. *I say officially SAHM because until last week I was still trying to find a full time job. At this point we have decided to liquidate some assets so that I can stay at home until L. is two. I never wanted to be a SAHM before, but I have eased into it at this point and know that I can do it. I was with him from April 11- July 31 and lost my job October 4th, so he has been with me most of the time already. I am hoping to consult when I can, but I will be his primary care giver until he goes to school. I will get all of his firsts, rather than a nanny. I will be able to minimize the time my big boy spends at school- only regular day, six hours per day instead of 8-10. I am not pulling him out of Montessori because he is learning and thriving. I know enough to admit that he will learn infinitely more and benefit tremendously from continuing as he is now. As it is I will have to force my lazy ass to make something out of the day... I will take walks, and read to the boy, and try to teach him things. I will take on household projects, make lovely home cooked meals, finish the scrap books. Naps is that crib will be put to good use! It's a whole new day around here, on many levels!

No more sleeping on mommy all the time!

I haven't posted since October of 2011. My how time flies. We're on December 2012 and there is a whole new 8 month old person in this house with us. I'd like to keep up with this blog a bit more, especially since I am now basically a SAHM. I'm still figuring out what I want to do with this, but for today I am moved to put pen to paper, so to speak, because of the tragedy that occurred in CT last Friday. A lunatic walked into an elementary school and killed 20 kids aged 6 and 7 and six of their educators. This act is so unspeakable, the consequences so very heartbreaking. I don't know who in this country (or anywhere in the world where they have seen what happened) could be unaffected. Those of us who have small children are suffering in some VERY SMALL measure right along with Newton CT and all of the people who were directly affected by this tragedy. We feel you out there. We really do. The sadness is crushing. I look at my little boy sitting here next to me shoving broccoli in his mouth and trying to hide the "chicken" (really a pork chop) on his plate, and my love for him fills my heart, the room, the house, the universe. These little lives, these little treasures so full of potential and promise and dreams. They are what life is all about, and to have 20 of these lights snuffed out is just beyond tragic. I hope the families can take some comfort, even a breath of comfort, from all of us who are crying along with them.

And the Beat Goes On.

Turns out eating at the tables isn't much of a problem. He took to it with no real issue. Sometimes he'll sit in his booster, sometimes he wants to sit in your lap or on his knees on a chair, but ultimately he has taken his meals and snacks there, even on the weekend. Now the focus is really turning to discipline. He likes to play in the dog bowl. This is a real problem because the dogs need access to their water and the water is around the corner from the living room through the kitchen, so we have to constantly jump up and run in there to see what he is doing. I don't want to make the house a warren of gates, I want him to learn to listen. As it is, with another baby on the way and money super tight, I just had to purchase a fireplace gate for almost two hundred bucks. We have a wood stove and it's getting cold now and having that kid burned in the process of learning that the wood stove is an owie is NOT something I am ready or willing to deal with, despite my husband's opinion of "I hope he doesn't get burned too badly before he learns". Um, NO. In the winter we have that stove burning all day some days and with two giant dogs running around, it's just not something I want to even begin to deal with. So the stupid dog water and his habit of spitting water- these are the two things that are the major pain in the ass right now. Seems like once you solve one problem, another appears, but hey, that's parenthood and the hardest job in the world (and the best!!).

Rolling Hills

The kid has adjusted exceptionally well to the concept of eating everything at the table. We really haven't had any problems with dinner time this whole week. Of course the weekend is coming and that is the real test. Life with a kid is all rolling hills. Bad hours, good hours, bad days, good days, longer stretches of both. Luckily some of those good hours, days, stretches are full of such amazing, beautiful things that it just takes me breath away at times. Just to have him quietly read a book in my lap while I smell his magical head. When bad times come I remember to be thankful that he is a smart, healthy boy, and well, those pass too.

Still Holding Firm

Today was a pretty successful day with minimal drama (ie: foot stomping temper tantrums). The boy ate dinner at the table with us fairly well, though he did throw food on the floor. This has been a problem for ages so it will take a while to fix. Firm no's worked pretty well and didn't result in any major breakdowns. We CAN do this!

Discipline. For All of Us.

At 20 months old things are getting challenging. The boy is smart, willful, thinks he knows everything and wants to do everything for himself. That combined with mom and dad's laziness (and mommy's growing belly) is the makings of disaster.

Today is the day we buckle down. All eating will take place at the table. Bad behavior will only get one "no" and then we are getting up and doing something about it. So far today (and granted it's a work day so it has only been a few hours so far), we managed to eat dinner at the table in a timely and nondramatic fashion and have only had a few minutes of crying despite several very firm "no's". He does get it, he really does.

This all reminds me that parenting is work, especially with a smart stubborn child. It's HARD work a lot of the time. When we are exhausted after work, that is when the hardest work starts. When we just want to eat on the couch or sit here and wonder what that child is doing and marvel at the naughtiness of it all, that's when it's time to get motivated and get up.

I want to try to keep a record of my successes and failures so I've chosen this spot to do it. This child is the most important thing in the universe and I am going to put in all the effort I need to go make sure he is the person I know he can be. Even when I am exhausted and falling apart, I will get my ass up and try my best.

On Oral Development

Wow I haven't blogged in months! Time flies so fast and any downtime, I just want to read or watch tv or, believe it or not, get some cleaning down. Everything else is filled with the lovely stubborn amazing wonderful boy (and the husband, dog, parents, friends...). Nevertheless I was just sitting here watching Sawyer eat Happy Baby Puffs, something that he's been doing for over a year now, and thinking about what a great chewer he is at 17 months. I think good chewing and oral motor development is a learned, gradual process. I believe that I helped his skills by slowly introducing him to continuously more firm/ chewy/ crispy food from 4 months old. First the baby oatmeal (Happy Baby again) very runny, then more and more firm so that he had to use his tongue to move it around his mouth. Then progressively more bulkier soft foods like roasted sweet potato or squash. Then even more "solid" food like bananas and avocado. Now he eats crispy cereal puffs and apples with no problem. And. he's done with his pile of puffs so off I go...!

This Is What They Meant When They Said You'd Have to Make Hard Decisions

In 2005 the dog I had for 13.5 years, since I was 18 years old, got really sick. He lost his hearing, the ability to hold his bowels, some of his vision, and ultimately didn't know who I was. I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to put him to sleep. It was difficult even though I knew that he had no quality of life anymore and wasn't feeling good. I made myself go with him to the vet, and sat with him as he quietly passed. When people lose a beloved pet they seem to generally react in one of two ways; they immediately get a new dog or they can't stand even the idea of getting a new dog for several years or maybe ever. I fell into the former category. I borrowed a dog right away, not being able to stand the loneliness of not having a furry companion to meet me at the door. I was single after all, dying for a family of my own, with no prospects. I got that dog, my first dog, as a 4 week old puppy. I found him on a redneck from hell compound in some shit hole backwoods of North Carolina. A grimy little child was holding two puppies who were dangling by their neck and a bag of doritos. I did everything I knew to raise him right. When he was a few years old one of my roommates had a pit bull who repeatedly attacked him. It was a terrible situation. I don't know if it was that or his nature but he turned mean. I spent most of his life keeping him from children, mailmen, etc. He only liked adults.

When it came time to get a new dog, I wanted to make sure that I got one who would be peaceful. I am a person who believes in being committed to animals and I didn't want another situation where I would have to constantly be fearful of the dog doing something bad. Maybe in retrospect I should have waited and taken more time to find the "perfect" dog, but I thought that I had found the perfect dog for me.

My roommate and I found Cooper in the basement of Montgomery County Humane Society. The behavior specialist asked me to give him a chance. He was quarantined for kennel cough. She said he was a good boy, that he listened well. I took him home and he sneezed green snot all over my walls. I tried to crate train him but he was obviously scared of the crate from past experience. I penned him in the kitchen and for weeks every time I left for work my roommate would call and tell me that he had escaped. My dad would come and fortify the gate, make it taller. He ate the phone. We were all committed to him. I took him through beginner and intermediate behavioral training, took him for walks, let him sleep in the bed. I brought him around every dog and child I could find. He turned out wonderfully. He looked at me with those soulful brown eyes and cuddled with me in bed, letting me use him as a pillow. He let kids poke and prod him. He listened to me and he loved me.

Down the road I met my husband to be and he loved him too. They went jogging in the mornings. He was the lab my husband had wanted. We moved to a big house with a three acre yard. Cooper ran free and chased things and went swimming and jogging. We got him a yellow lab friend. He tolerated that puppy chewing and drooling all over him. We had a baby. He lay in bed with me and my son while I nursed through the night, keeping me company.

Cooper was always anxious though. He feels safe on a leash but when he is loose, he doesn't like unpredictable situations like being cornered or surprised or when there are a lot of people around. We put him outside when people come. He nipped my husbands friend and his father once, but honestly I thought that those situations could have been prevented. We managed things and time passed calmly.

Now my son is a toddler and he loves the dogs. Cooper has growled at him three times now. We are scared that if pushed he may bite him. I find myself in this impossible place, being this person who has to find a dog a good home because of a baby. I scoffed at these types of people, thought they were lazy, bad dog owners, assholes, really. But yet again life has taught me that judging people is just stupid because you don't know what you will do in a given situation. We have talked this to death and we can't live in a situation where we have to worry that our golden beautiful miracle of a child could get hurt in any way. Just today I was cooking dinner and my son ran right to Cooper laying in front of the door and was going to dive right on him. The dog didn't react but my heart froze in my chest. I just can't live like that.

I am trying to spread the word through facebook, everyone I can think of, craigslist, freecyle, everything. If we can only find him a good home with an adult, he would be the greatest most loving companion, just like he was to me. Sometimes I have the faith that this will happen, and sometimes I am filled with despair over who would want a 7 year old dog with his temperament issues. I the meantime, I have to somehow reconcile myself to living with him. I torn between loving him and distancing myself. I haven't slept in my bed since we made the decision several days ago. I am going up there tonight and already hyperventilating at the thought of what it will do to me emotionally. He sleeps up next to me like a body pillow. I USE him as a pillow most nights.

So this is what "they" meant when they said you'd have to make hard decisions when you have children. I never wanted to be this person who gets rid of a dog. I never wanted this situation where I would have to make this type of decision. How did this happen to me again? But here I am, and I will do what's best for my son.

My How Time Flies/ The Struggles of ToddlerHood

I don't know how three and a half months have passed since I last managed a blog. Oh wait, yes I do. I work full time, mother full time, wife full time, cook full time. I make everything the boy eats, pick out everything he wears. And I am NOT COMPLAINING; this is exactly what I want to be doing. It's just that something has got to give, and blogging/ writing in my mommy journal are at the top of that list. I don't want to give these things up entirely though. Time flies... this "baby" is 14 and a half months old!... and I want to document the moments.

Speaking of moments, my best current mommy advice is to cherish every moment, the good, the bad, the ugly, the AMAZING. Recently I found out that a boy I know from elementary school and his wife both were diagnosed with very serious, possibly terminal cancer. They have a toddler who is not even two. They were living a wonderful life. I think of them daily and every time I do, I remind myself to stop and stare at my boy, to appreciate my husband, to thank my parents, and to just live my life and really try not to complain and sweat that proverbial small stuff. It's hard sometimes to focus on the positives and not let things drag you down, but life IS hard and it IS a bitch and it CAN knock the living shit out of you, so you have to just appreciate what you have or you will be pure miserable.

As for that beautiful, phenomenal, delicious, stubborn, willful golden boy of mine... what can I say that won't involve writing a small novel? He is the light of my life. I have such a surge of joy when it is time to pick him up from nannyshare, it makes my whole day. He's at the stage now when he runs to me when I come, and that is better than any drug. Being a mother has always been challenging in some ways and at this stage of the game, there is definitely power struggle involved. I see it with myself, my friends who post on facebook, the other kids in the nannyshare. They start to figure out that they have control, and all hell breaks loose. This is another big lesson for me to just sort of be firm and go with the flow. I try not to get too stressed over days when he wants to whine more than usual, when he wants to spend hours going in and out of the screen door, when he doesn't want to eat or throws all that careful food I make on the floor for the dogs. Ultimately everything levels out; hard days are followed by extremely pleasant, easy ones. Bad food days are followed by him eating everything in sight like a little piggy. He is even learning "no" and some measure of safety. This is important as the kid really has no fear! I want to let him blossom while learning his limits as well.

No one ever said being a mother was easy. It is work almost every minute of every day. But this is the work that I always wanted, so I have to drag my tired ass forward sometimes and really try to be the best that I can be at any given moment. And there is nothing, NOTHING, more rewarding and worthwhile.

Obsessed with Food

Today's baby menu-
Breakfast: Happy Baby Organic Whole Grain Baby Cereal (oats, amaranth, quinoa, fortified with probiotics) with fresh banana and blueberries. As I mentioned before I am still giving the baby cereal because it is an easy way to get a variety of whole grains plus probiotics into him. Starting tomorrow we are going to start mixing it with goat milk for extra protein, calcium and fat. He's barely in the 4th percentile of weight (98th or "off the charts" for height) so I am trying to sneak fat and nutrients into everything.
Why goat? http://www.abundalife.com/goats.asp
Snack: Half a container of blueberry goat yogurt.
Lunch: Palmful of baked sweet potato, one egg from our backyard chickens scrambled with fresh spinach and a bit of organic cow milk mild cheddar, cooked in a bit of organic unsalted butter. He LOVED this, ate every bit of it.
Snack: Organic raisins
Dinner: Chicken with some sweet potato and broccoli, pear.

Bonus: I am still trying to figure out a way to use up some of the purees I still have in the freezer. He went so quickly from purees to more chunky foods that I was left with a bunch of prepared items in the freezer and I hate to waste anything. I cooked up some brown rice pasta and mixed it with a chicken, leek, potato and pea puree. It tastes awesome! That's what is going to the nanny's for lunch!

Goat!

I am so excited, my big boy (one year and 4 days--- a "toddler" now!!! still my baby love) is finally liking goat yogurt. It took a few tries but today he had half a container of this, blueberry flavor http://www.redwoodhill.com/yogurt
for his snack. Goat milk is easier to digest than cow milk, easier to break down the enzymes, and has really great health benefits. I want to try to avoid giving him a ton of cow milk dairy, so this is a big triumph in my little world.

PS I tried sheep too- I am going with this goat one because it is easier to find and comes in flavors.

The diet is still my big project and I am really enjoying finding new ways to nourish the little man. Now he can have dairy, eggs (we have our own chickens so this is super exciting!) and honey so that opens up a lot of options, including easy items like the yogurt or organic cheese that offer protein and fat while being easy to chew for a guy with six teeth. This little man is barely 4th percentile in weight but 98th in height! He is walking and never stops moving, just like from the time he was in the womb, so he burns his calories quick!

We are home in the snow today. Breakfast was Happy Baby organic multi grain cereal http://shop.happybabyfood.com/our-products/happybellies/multi-grain-cereal.html with banana and blueberry in it. I keep giving this baby cereal even though he could eat regular oatmeal because grains are always a challenge for me to get into his diet, and this is made with amaranth, oats and quinoa and has probiotics! Snack was half a container of blueberry goat yogurt. Now we are ready for lunch- we will do avocado and chicken.

More lentils!

The latest baby news is, he doesn't like mushy food anymore. This is problematic on a few levels, one being that lots of very healthy foods, like lentils and hummus, are mushy, and two... well, he has six teeth at best (two being just barely through). Laying in bed last night I started thinking about meatballs. I previously created a little recipe with organic turkey, potato and spinach, turned into meatballs that could be frozen, cooked in a sauce, etc. and easily broken up to pieces that he can grab, but since the ingredients were mushed up before cooking, also easily gummed. It occurred to me that I could do a lot more with a meatloaf, which would also be easier than rolling a whole bunch of meatballs. Another downside to the meatballs is that they are very easy to overcook. So, today I managed to whip up the meatloaf while the boy took a blessedly long nap. I wanted to use ingredients that I already had in the house because I'm on a freezer clearing mission.

I used-
1 organic russet potato and 1 small sweet potato- chopped and boiled until soft
1/2 cup of organic red lentils, cooked
about 3/4 cup of frozen organic spinach, defrosted
2 organic turkey burger patties, raw
about a tablespoon of olive oil

I mashed the potatoes, mixed in the rest of the ingredients except for the olive oil, formed it into the loaf and brushed the top with the oil. I baked it at 350 until it was firm but not dry, about 30 minutes or so.

He ate two slices! And I was able to freeze half, because it made plenty. The best thing is it's a "one pot meal", which means I don't have to run around thinking of components to make him a balanced meal. He ate the two slices and some pear chunks, and that was dinner for my almost one year old baby love bug.

Yay!

On Lentils and Blueberries

I am very interested in food in general and my son's nutrition in particular. For the past 11 months he has had almost nothing that was not made by my hands with the best possible intentions. I think what he eats, particularly at this early age, is of utmost importance. I have to say I am in no way a perfect eater myself, but that little tummy is only so big and I don't want to put anything in it that does not have true value. I try not to be judgmental on this topic, I really do, but it KILLS me when little ones eat junk. I figure I have about 5 years at maximum to push my diet agenda before he is overly influenced by his friends and ends up eating McNuggets. Oh, my heart! In the meantime, the only things I have given that I haven't made myself are: Babys Only Organic Formula (would have breast fed until a year but could not keep up when I started working), Happy Baby cereals (I use the organic whole grain cereal now and it's made with excellent stuff), Happy Baby Puffs (only at day care because he needed something for when the other kids have snacks- I also send raising and blueberries), canned organic beans now and then and just recently Trader Joe's freeze dried mango, blueberry and banana. These are great; while they are unfortunately not organic, which gives me chest pains, they have only one ingredient, which is the fruit itself, and the freeze dried consistency melts in your mouth. It is a challenge to make all of his food, that is for sure. That is why I myself will occasionally pick up a rotisserie chicken or even order out. I work full time! But I had this baby because I wanted to try to do it right, and damn it I am going to try to do that! So far it seems to be going super great. He loves loves vegetables, fruit and meat. He will eat just about anything with gusto. Dinner tonight was steamed broccoli with lemon, red lentils, meatballs made with turkey, potato and spinach with a little olive oil and baked (everything organic needless to say) with blueberries and some freeze dried banana for dessert. He also drinks water like a champ, no fruit juice. I always through fruit juice was healthy but when I had gestational diabetes I learned that it's just not that good for you. I have to say I am proud of myself. I have looked longingly at the jarred baby foods, especially the high end organics, and thought "ohhhh I could just grab one of those..." but I have always refrained and now they are less of a temptation since he likes chunky foods. Of course on that note things have gotten easier as he has grown, since things don't need to be pureed anymore (except I still make applesauce to put in his morning cereal) and he can eat many things that we eat too. It is my sincere hope that as my friend at www.notjustkale.com says, I am setting his palate for life!

The Battle of the Spoon

My son began eating rice cereal at 4 months. I was eager to introduce him to solids for many reasons, topping the list being that he is long and skinny and I thought it would be helpful in bulking him up some, and I also thought that giving him plenty of time to get used to solids and eating from a spoon would be beneficial to his eventual eating habits and oral motor development. He loved his baby cereal from day one, eating from the spoon like a little bird, that little mouth popping open for bite after bite. On a complete side note I switched to baby oatmeal rather quickly because the rice gave him bouts of constipation, and now he has moved on to happy baby organic multigrain cereal which is made with oats, amaranth and guinoa. Good stuff. We mix it with various fruits for breakfast. Time passed as it always does and after 6 months he began eating various single item purees and then pureed baby stews and eventually moved on to feeding himself soft foods like banana. He has become an excellent eater and happily chows down on spinach, brown rice, quinoa, any fruit you can think of, broccoli, peas, sweet potato and on and on. BUT!!! In the last few weeks he has taken a dislike to the spoon, especially when it comes to dinner. He wants to feed himself and will eat a ton from the tray but just does not want me to feed him. At first I could sneak in a few mouthfuls here and there but he is getting really upset with the whole situation and I am getting frustrated and upset at dinner times because I don't want to be fighting with a 9 and a half month old and making his mealtime miserable for both of us. I've done a bit of research online and spoken to a few friends, and I have decided that I am going to give up the spoon battle when it comes to dinner time. He is still accepting the spoon at day care and when daddy gives him breakfast. I initally thought that I should keep insisting on at least a few bites with the spoon so that he learns that the spoon is part of meals and not an option to refuse, but I don't want to make it so aversive that it affects all meals and I absolutely despise upsetting him in any way. The real battle here is that he continues to eat a variety of foods, not really HOW he eats them at this stage of the game. My plan is to get a bit more creative with getting grains and smaller foods into some kind of finger food consistency and let him try a suction bowl. I want dinner time to be pleasant again. I guess the real lesson here is adaptability and creativity.

Bottles

Like everything else for baby, there are many choices in the bottle arena. Many people talk about Dr. Browns bottles, how they are great for gas and just all around wonderful bottles. Personally, I don't get it. There are 5 parts to each bottle: nipple, lid, bottle itself and a two piece vent system. You need a special little brush to clean the vent system. Also milk gets inside the inner tube and if you don't open the bottle to drain the milk, it leaks. I have tried several Dr. Browns including the 4oz, 9oz tall and 8oz wide. They all have the same problems. Why did I keep buying, you ask? Well, the 4's are a waste of money in my opinion. Yes, when the baby was little he only needed 4oz at a time, but that stage passed after a few months and now the 4oz-ers are packed away. There is no reason why you can't buy the bigger sizes and just fill them half way. Incidentally my nanny does not like the Dr. Browns either. She has been a nanny for over 30 years so she knows her stuff.

The other bottle I use is Born Free. I like it a lot better, the leaking problem is not there. It too has 5 parts to clean but the flat vent system is very easy to deal with both washing by hand and in the dishwasher. No special tools needed.

At this point in the game, with the baby approaching 8 months, I won't be trying anything new in the bottle arena. I do recommend stocking up on bottles so that you are not washing them constantly, and again, avoid the smaller sizes. They are a waste of money.

Of course don't make the same mistake I did (see previous post on things I've learned along the way). Buy some dishwasher baskets as soon as possible and throw all bottle parts right in there on the sterilize cycle! It's 2010 people!

Things I Wish I Knew

It has been months since I've had time to post. Working full time and taking care of a baby is hard! I have a lot of thoughts about the whole issue but I always have them when I don't have time or desire to put them down. Thus I find myself typing this during the last ten mintues of work, while I sit at my desk and pump.

Sitting at my desk and pumping is NOT FUN. Pumping while working in general is a nightmare. It's very hard to find two consistent opportunities throughout the day, let alone in private. I have found myself pumping in front of my boss, my coworkers, my MALE coworkers at times, and currently right at this moment in front of one of my female employees. Thankfully she is across the room and I am not exposed in any way. I have also been walked in on by various people on many occasions. Throughout all this, during the past 5 months or so of doing this, I have only managed to forget my pump once and my flanges twice. One of those two times was today. So I sit here pumping one side at a time, with the spare flange that I bought last time I forgot my flanges, to keep in the office for just such occasions.

Pumping one side at a time brings me full cirlce to the topic of this post. When I first started pumping I was doing one breast at a time, for like an hour every night. What!?? I even have a double pump. I was doing one at a time because I didn't want to hold both flanges at once. Eventually before going back to work I bought some stupid Pumping Pal contraption that hangs around your neck to hold the flanges up. Not comfortable, not convenient to carry around. Finally one of my friends found out about this craziness and .... DUH.... PUMPING BRA! Hands free! Two at a time! Can't live without it, especially now that I pump four f$%*& times a day!!!

Another thing that I slap myself in the head about: dish washer basket. For MONTHS AND MONTHS I was washing nipples and odd bottle parts by hand. It never even occurred to me to buy a contraption to use in the dish washer. Dish washer baskets are cheap and fit many nipples, spoons, tiny little lids, etc. Now the only things I wash by hand are lids, because they take up too much space and fit together in such a way that they don't all get clean. I still absolutely hate the whole bottle washing process, what with all of the parts to each fancy bottle. On average my bottles all have five or more parts: Born Free for example have lids, nipples, a two piece vent system, and the bottle itself. However the baskets really do help. One Step Ahead is a great catalog and they have these little mesh bag type things that fit a lot of various parts, pacis, etc.

And now it's 4:02 and I'm out of time!

On Returning To Work

More than three months have passed and suddenly, somehow, I find myself in the middle of my last day of maternity leave. My feelings and thoughts are mixed to say the least. On the one hand, being at home with the baby 24/7 has been extremely challenging, especially on days when sleep has been at a minimum and baby crankiness has been at a maximum. I have been more exhausted mentally and physically than I could have thought possible.

But then, many days at home have been pure bliss and I have truly enjoyed every single moment of spending time with this baby, even the extremely trying times. I have been able to see every new smile, roll and grab. I can't believe how much I adore this kid.

Truly I don't want to be a stay at home mom, even though it makes me feel bad/ guilty to say so. It's just the truth, not everyone is cut out for it. I would ideally love to work part time but that is not possible right now. I do have the best of all possible situations, which is that I have a fabulous nanny less than two miles from work and I get off at 4pm when lots of people get to spend minimal evening time with their kids before they go to bed. Also I need the paycheck. It's soooo hard though to think of not seeing his little face all day long and trusting someone else to take care of his needs. It is also completely overwhelming to try to remember everything he and I need to take with us every day. Pump, pumping kit, milk, clothes, bottles, blankets, etc etc etc. I know it will get easier and we will get into a routine quickly. I just have to get the first week under my belt.

I know this entry is about as scattered as my thoughts and feelings are lately. That's the way it is right now.