Cancer. Fuck.

Today I got all of my results and the beginnings of a plan. Stage 1 or 2 adenocarcinoma confirmed. No definitive evidence of spreading or lymph node invasion, although I suppose MRI needed to confirm that. I have to have radiation first, have to make an appointment for MRI, appointment with oncologist, appointment with radiologist. Tests and appointments and tests and appointments.

I have cancer, for real. Jesus christ.

I'm nervous about MRI because you have to lay still for 30-60 minutes. That's a lot. I asked the doctor for Ativan. That should help. I remember taking it when I went in for laparoscopy for cyst and fibroid and feeling very happy. So I'll get through that.

Radiation doesn't sound that bad. I guess that goes on for a while and then we see if this damn monster shrinks. We want it to shrink and shrink and shrink. The more it shrinks he easier everything else is. So that is the goal.

Then we probably have more tests to see how that all went, and then surgery. Surgery involves removing the whole bit of the rectum where this thing is and rebuilding it. It also involves an Ileostomy. That's a goddamn bag. Just wow. Then possibly chemo. If there is chemo, I have to have the bag through the whole chemo, because of the side effects. Which apparently don't involve hair loss. I'm sure there are some other horrific side effects.

There is some hope that the radiation will just shrink it so much that some of this stuff may not be necessary? I don't know.

Right now all I can do is one day at a time. Live for the day, enjoy the day. Act as normal as possible for the littles, and for myself too. Try to be strong, healthy. DO be strong and healthy. I can do this, I know. The outpouring of support and love is amazing. I will take all of it. I WILL be strong. I WILL get through this and be ok and thank my lucky stars that it isn't worse and I can be around for my babies. It's going to be a YEAR of treatment and process. That seems overwhelming, incredible. But by my next birthday I will be healthy.

BY MY NEXT BIRTHDAY I WILL BE HEALTHY.