More than three months have passed and suddenly, somehow, I find myself in the middle of my last day of maternity leave. My feelings and thoughts are mixed to say the least. On the one hand, being at home with the baby 24/7 has been extremely challenging, especially on days when sleep has been at a minimum and baby crankiness has been at a maximum. I have been more exhausted mentally and physically than I could have thought possible.
But then, many days at home have been pure bliss and I have truly enjoyed every single moment of spending time with this baby, even the extremely trying times. I have been able to see every new smile, roll and grab. I can't believe how much I adore this kid.
Truly I don't want to be a stay at home mom, even though it makes me feel bad/ guilty to say so. It's just the truth, not everyone is cut out for it. I would ideally love to work part time but that is not possible right now. I do have the best of all possible situations, which is that I have a fabulous nanny less than two miles from work and I get off at 4pm when lots of people get to spend minimal evening time with their kids before they go to bed. Also I need the paycheck. It's soooo hard though to think of not seeing his little face all day long and trusting someone else to take care of his needs. It is also completely overwhelming to try to remember everything he and I need to take with us every day. Pump, pumping kit, milk, clothes, bottles, blankets, etc etc etc. I know it will get easier and we will get into a routine quickly. I just have to get the first week under my belt.
I know this entry is about as scattered as my thoughts and feelings are lately. That's the way it is right now.
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